Longing and thinking

I've welcomed sorrow and pain to my heart since you left, they are my everyday guests but are getting used to living here, that is without any complaint nor desire to have them depart. There are no contracts attached, all that they need is to stay here for as long as they wish. They have made my heart a rather strangely cozy place; along with our memories and pictures of you, they have ingrained a sense of dead calm that soothes and manages to keep the noise away from this world.

They are good neighbors, always telling me that they are ready to move on a moment's notice and hold no bitterness against any sudden wishes; all they want, they imply, is to help me move on until happiness, joy, and hope return. You see, when you left this world, I asked them to leave the premises but on peaceful terms. They were more than helpful with this transition and reminded me that they are seconds away to return, just on thought they will be back, no questions asked.

You see, I just cannot seem to welcome them back, when you were here with me, they filled my heart with light and sound, song and dance. Now, my heart has the look of a house filled with veiled colors and smiles, a place where once the sun brightened and the moon bathed every corner of this place.

One thing that sorrow and pain have brought to my heart and might be a reason to complain about is the soaked floors that look like endless creeks; such also have managed a way to permanently assemble their way onto my face, looking invisible to everyone but constantly flowing when no one is around. The taste of the water's creeks feels like the salt of the sea, where life emanates, but more likely is the blood from the entrails of my soul.

Sorrow and pain are fed of my memories leaving nothing aside, rather they recycle as much as possible and do not seem to mind living and feeding out of the same. Living on these terms makes everything manageable so far and I intend to keep their company for a long time. My love, I will fail you and not move on with my life. I know you want me to go on and welcome happiness, joy, and hope back, alas I can not make this happen since life has no meaning if you are not here. My heart knows these facts and is committed to every single one. 

I have allowed my heart to simply give in and embrace sorrow and pain but do not discard letting hope find a place here. Sorrow and pain bring me peace. I find happiness a word no longer in my vocabulary, joy as a loose and forgotten feeling, and hope as my last resort to go on.